The first time I heard the term “helicopter parenting” was about a decade back, from an article sent by a well-meaning father of one of my sons’ classmates to our email group composed mainly of mothers. I didn’t even know what it meant, and could only surmise that it wasn’t something unanimously appreciated, judging by a lot of indignant motherly huffs and puffs.
A couple of years later, I came to a better understanding of the term when I heard of a mom waiting in school in the middle of an ordinary day so she could administer a cough syrup dose every four hours and wipe the sweat off the back of her 10-year-old who had come to school with the common cold.
Since those days, helicopter parenting as a topic has grown exponentially, discussed to death on blogs, in magazine articles, and all over social media. I must confess it’s gotten to the point where I see the words “helicopter parenting” and I’m not sure whether to be morbidly curious or downright exasperated with all the hullabaloo.
What is helicopter parenting, really? A term first used by a parenting book in 1969, it refers to parents who, like a chopper, hover over their children in an excessive manner that goes beyond responsible parenting. I tend to think that all parents can be forgiven for hovering over their children at certain points in their life – after all, when a child takes his first wobbly step, is there any parent who wouldn’t hold out his hand to provide a steady armrest “just in case”? I think the keyword in the definition is “excessive” – for instance, when a father instructs his only son’s nanny to follow the boy one step behind, holding out both her hands inches away from his ears to protect his head, just in case he stumbles on the carpeted floor.
Nobody wants to be called an overprotective excessive parent. Yet nowadays I’ve noticed that, along with the rise in awareness of helicopter parenting, there is also a growing number of people who are quick to label as chopper parents those who are simply involved in their children’s lives; those who choose to apply restraints, or enforce some discipline, or mouth the dreaded "No" are immediately labeled helicopter parents. Those chopper-labeled parents, in return, will accuse their counterparts of “free-range” parenting: giving the children too much freedom without responsibility, being neglectful and uninvolved, being uninterested in their children’s lives.
And so the debate rages between two sides: the chopper parents are accused of over-parenting, of solving their children’s problems for them, of tying them to their hips to keep them away from paranoiac fears, of waging wars for their children in the sandbox and classroom, thereby raising a generation of helpless dependents with an overblown sense of entitlement. The free-range parents are accused of being overly permissive and lax, uncaring, and too busy to step up to parenting responsibilities, thereby raising a generation of wild coyotes who have no value for rules and limitations and propriety.
And here I sit in the middle, my head turning left and right as I view both sides fling their points like I’m watching a furious tennis championship game, questions tumbling forth. Is it over-parenting when we don’t allow our child to attend a swimming party because there won’t be a lifeguard around to ensure that our son, who has yet to take swimming lessons, will have his head above water at the end of the day? Is it under-parenting when we allow our daughter to walk in the mall with her friends all afternoon, with no nanny and no chaperone to ensure that they are safe from every imaginable type of predator?
Where do we draw the line between over-parenting and under-parenting?
I think it’s all a matter of drawing the line in the middle. The key lies in striking a healthy balance.
We all know that anything in excess is bad. Even a great-tasting roasted duck with baked creamy pumpkin will give you major stomach trouble if you eat the whole plate clean in one go. In the same way, a good thing like involvement in our child’s life can become detrimental to her development when it is excessive, when it stunts her and makes her feel that she is incapable of making the right decisions unless we are at her side to provide her with a tip, a call-to-a-friend, or a pass card. A good thing, like giving our child room to fall and maybe get a few bruises, can be dangerous when it’s unlimited, when it causes us to simply watch while he’s attempting to copy Superman and take a flying leap from the 2nd floor roof onto the cement pavement below.
Simply put: let’s not be too involved; let’s not be uninvolved. Easy to say, right? But is it easy to do?
No, I know it’s not always easy to find the right middle ground. I confess I sometimes have to step back myself and check if I’m leaning too much to the right or to the left. But sometimes we hit gold and find there are things that work really well. Here are a few nuggets I’ve uncovered from my own experience with my boys:
1. Give the kids room to make mistakes and take little risks.
Naturally this precludes anything illegal, immoral, or downright dangerous. Allowing them to err in little things humbles them, teaches them the art of problem solving, and lets them know a mistake is not the end of the world. Giving them permission to take small risks lets them know that you trust them, that you have confidence in their abilities, that sometimes achieving dreams means being willing to tread where no one else has gone before.
2. Spend time together.
Do silly, happy, funny things together. When you go on shopping sprees, have one-on-one dates, play a game or two, you let them know that you enjoy spending time with them in their world and sharing your world with them, too. It’s these light-hearted, simple shared moments that will serve as the foundation for any full-blown, hard-core, soul-searching discussions your child may need to have with you later on. Because when you’re confident that you’ve got each other’s back in the little things, then they’re sure you’ll be there for them whenever they need your help for the bigger things.
3. Let them fight their own battles.
Because how will they learn to put up a strong fort if we keep stepping in for them? They need the practice to build their muscles. But be there to lend support when the enemy is unfairly huge. Even battles need to be balanced and fair.
4. Listen to parenting advice but have the final say.
Hear what well-meaning parent-friends have to say. Sometimes we need to see things from a different, outsider perspective. But trust your instincts and make your own decisions in the end. And never ever allow anyone, well-meaning or not, to put down your parenting style or make you feel like you’re a bad parent. Different strokes for different folks, after all. Always remember that God himself made you the parent of your kids. That doesn’t mean that you’re perfect (it’s a constant struggle to get there for all of us), but it does mean that, of all the other parents in this entire planet, YOU are the perfect parent for your kid. No matter how often you flub the job, you’ll still always be the best parent for your kid, because God doesn’t make mistakes and He chose you.
So let’s go out there and be fearless in our struggle to live up to God’s faith in us. Hands joined and hearts boosted, let’s try our darnedest best to strike the right balance – not as hovering helicopters, not as free-floating fast-deflating balloons – but as honest-to-goodness, flesh-and-blood-and-guts human moms and dads, just trying to be the best parents we can be so our children can be the best people they were meant to be.
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