Every once in a while, I’ll meet someone new and, as soon as they hear me proudly declare that I am a mother of five sons, they’ll exclaim (without pausing to take a breath), “Five sons, wow. But what a pity it is that you don’t have a single daughter!”
Honestly, when I’m told that, I can never decide what to do. Should I throw my head back and let out a roar of boisterous laughter, or should I scratch my head and attempt to wipe off my frown of confusion? I mean, really (and I say this with zero amount of snark), why is it a pity? The way I see it, for some reason, God in His infinite wisdom decided not to grant me babies to doll up in skirts and ribbons and instead blessed me with boys. Five of them – wonderful, aggressive, torn-jeans-and-sneakers sweethearts –each of whom I love to bursting point and treasure with all my heart.
And so, you see, I am content; I am complete; and hand on heart, I swear I have never felt that I lacked a little lady in my family. Because, weird as this may sound, I do have you, my dear daughter. No, I’m not hallucinating, and yes, oh yes, you do exist. You are my nieces, my goddaughters, my many students through the years whose full names I can still recite from memory. You are every young girl who has crossed my path and laid claim to my mommy heart. You might not be flesh of my flesh or blood of my blood, but I love you like my own. And so it is to the collective you that I write this letter: you, the daughter I never had, and you, all my quasi-daughters who have blessed my life with your presence.
Right at the top of the greatest presents my mother gave my sisters and me are her little nuggets of wisdom, all of which have served as my guideposts, sometimes even lifelines, as I went through the tumultuous years of growing up. And just as heirlooms and diamonds are passed on from mother to daughter, from one generation to another, today I feel the need to leave a similar legacy to you, my dear daughter: this consolidation of life lessons learned at the knee of my mother as well as those learned from that great teacher, Experience, each time I fell and banged my own knees, in the hopes that this pillow of lessons may serve to cushion your own knees, both when you trip and scrape them and also when you bend them in thanksgiving and prayer.
More than anything else, I want you to know that you are unique, special, one of a kind. There is no one like you in this entire world. Treasure that; be grateful for that; and honor that by not trying to be like everyone else or fitting into someone else’s idea of what a cool dudette is. The coolest people are those who don’t try to be cool; they just are. So be cool. Be you.
You are precious beyond words. Do not squander the best of you on just anyone, no matter how much you think he deserves it. He will only deserve the best of you once he puts a ring on your finger; for that one, save the best of yourself. So when a guy puts his arm around you, let it be because he has earned the right to hold more than just the skin on your shoulders; let it be because he has earned the right to protect and shelter your heart.
Take care of your heart. But don’t coddle it. It’s fragile and it can break, but it’s also strong and resilient. Remember that always. When it soars, relish it; when it drops to the ground and bleeds, pick it up, patch it up, and keep going. It’s got enough passion within to weather the good times and the bad.
But never let its passion overwhelm you. When you’re caught in extremes, whether that’s anger or attraction or frustration, take a step back and sleep on it. Things always look better and more manageable in the clear light of a fresh new day.
Greet each new day with a song in your heart and a smile on your face. Laugh. A lot. It’s good for the soul. And it makes for great, long-lasting friendships, too.
Choose your friends well. Hang out with the right people. But take the time to be comfortable by yourself, too. Relish your time alone, because some of the most important things, like prayer and decision-making and reading, are best done in silence, alone.
Never be a mean girl. Nothing is worth killing the goodness that fills your heart, not even the comfort of fitting in with the in-crowd.
Be brave and strong. Never be afraid to stand up for what you believe in, for what is good and right and just, even if it means standing alone. Truth and love and goodness always triumph in the end, and when you stand for them, they’ll never leave you standing alone.
Enjoy being a girl. Allow guys to open doors for you, pull chairs for you, carry bags for you. That’s part of the fun of being a girl; it doesn’t mean you’re the weaker sex. Real strength is not measured in outward superficial displays; it’s measured in rising up after every fall, in loving even when it’s difficult, in never giving up even when the going gets tough.
There will be tough times. Sometimes you’ll get through them with flying colors; sometimes you’ll barely scrape by. But that’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes. Forgive others. Forgive yourself.
Never drown yourself in regret, not even when the mistakes you make seem huge. Nothing is insurmountable. If God allowed something painful to happen, believe that there must be a very good reason, something better in it for you. Learn the lessons instead. If it doesn’t make sense, keep digging deeper till you find the meaning (or you risk making the same mistake over and over again till you find the lesson and learn it).
Develop your mind. Love learning. Thirst for wisdom… but never at the expense of goodness. Kindness, confidence, and talent are infinitely more attractive than surface beauty.
Remember that makeup is meant to enhance, not cover up. Your face is beautiful, but never use it to cover up a mediocre soul. Cultivate the beauty within and let it shine and light up your whole self, because that inner beauty of your soul is the one treasure that no one and nothing can ever take away from you – not time, not wrinkles, not accidents, not even death.
Be generous. With your time, your talents, your service, with what you have and what you own. But never with your body for those who do not deserve it, because you can’t give your body without giving pieces of your heart and soul as well.
Don’t be stingy and don’t be shy, especially not with appreciation and praise. You lose nothing by celebrating others. Telling someone she’s gorgeous or wonderful doesn’t make you any less beautiful or amazing than her; in fact, it makes you glow even more. It brings out the awesome in you.
So don’t be afraid to applaud others, and don’t be afraid to apologize either. Apologize when you’re wrong (that’s mandatory); sometimes, apologize even when you’re not wrong, if it helps to keep the peace and harmony in the home. Remember it always takes two to tango, and there’s never been a fight where only one side was completely at fault.
When you need to make a decision, listen to your gut. But listen to God’s whispers more. Think twice, and then again. Go into the woods with your eyes open. Be ready for whatever may be hiding behind the bushes; that way consequences will never pull out the rug from under you. You’ll never have to say, “But I didn’t think…” when you do take the time to think.
But also: take the time to run in the fields with the wind blowing through your hair and your arms stretched wide in exhilaration. Take the time to gaze at the night sky and find a falling star to carry your wishes far and wide. Take the time to spread and scatter joy and wonder to all the ends of the earth, as far as you can reach. The world can always do with more happiness, so be a contagious carrier of it.
And remember that you always have two mothers to run to, forever and ever, whether it’s to ask for a hug or emotional support or more words of advice. Because there will always be more lessons to learn and live by, and there will always be more hugs to give, and more strength to share with you, from both your mother on earth and especially your Mother in Heaven.
And for everything that you have and hold, be always thankful. Just as I am thankful for you, for being the daughter that I never had, and the chosen daughters that I will always have.
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